How is it that we so easily fall into simply existing? Going through life simply going through the motions, and forgetting to maximize things, enjoy things, DO things. How is it that we can so easily let go of what we KNOW will bring us joy, enjoyment or happiness?

Take faith in God, for example. The thing about faith is that it is hope, belief - without knowledge. But the important thing about faith is action. If we believe in something and do not act on those beliefs, then that belief eventually fades. It happens to everyone - at some point, we will stop acting on beliefs on some level because other things in life distracts us. The guilt we then feel in not following through with our beliefs either drive us to action - repentance, and beginning to do again what we know we should. Or we try to erase that guilt by simply changing our beliefs and we delude ourselves into thinking there are other ways to find that kind of peace and happiness. I've seen it in others - and eventually, they simply stop believing and come to the conclusion that God doesn't exist.

When a friend that we have trusted breaks that trust for some reason, we naturally hold back in the future, we protect our interests and do not hold as strong a trust with that friend. Likewise - God cannot help us feel His spirit if we do not allow ourselves to feel. Naturally, that spirit is no longer offered to us if we do not accept it. So when we stop feeling, stop believing in God, it is not because God doesn't exist, but because we denied ourselves the opportunity and the blessings of feeling His existence.

It boggles my mind to see those who stop believing in God. To have watched this process in them and to slowly watch their faith fade. But it is so easy. So easy to let go. How easy it is to have our scriptures on the side of our bed, unread, waiting for another Sunday to be taken to church. How easy to go to church on Sunday with our minds completely elsewhere. How easy it is to miss church for other "valuable" reasons. How easy to rely on ourselves to find happiness.

So what right do I have to judge those formerly faithful, now agnostic, loved ones for letting go of what is good and true when here I sit...simply existing and going through the motions.

It is difficult as a music therapist to hold on to the things I know to be true. Knowing the power that music has, and the peace, happiness and change it can inspire in so many individuals. And ethically as a therapist, needing to work within other value systems and honor people for who they are, whatever they believe. I'm finding it difficult to hold onto my own. To rely on God and to recognize that music, as powerful as it is, is NOT my saving grace. Life without God is nothing. It is just existing. Life with God is progressing and moving forward.

Usually, I do not admit when I'm simply existing. It happens often, that lovely cycle of pride when we rely on our own arm, fail miserably, and turn back to God to find peace and happiness. I feel empty, not even feeling the strength of God at church as much, knowing that it is because I've let myself get so far from Him. I'm saying it aloud to kick myself in the butt, to move myself forward. To allow God really back in my life.

Studying music therapy and counseling, it is completely engrained in us that it is not about us - but about our clients. So where do I go? What happens to me when I spend at least 1/3 of my waking hours holding the space for others and thinking of ways to help them? I come home at the end of the day and spend endless hours sucking even more energy out of myself watching endless and pointless television shows and movies, playing games and reading loads upon loads of fiction. While none of these things in and of themselves are bad at all, the time spent because I have no energy for anything else....just sucks my energy out worse.

So I must force myself out of this cycle of energy sucking activity and move forward into productivity - being with loved ones, being physically active, being creatively expressive, and above all....being one with God.