Touch

I miss having internet access at home. I tend to do my best writing at night. For some reason, when I'm lying awake in bed (when I'm supposed to be sleeping) that is when thoughts come my way....

Last night I was thinking about touch. There are different kinds of touch: passionate touch, romantic touch, affectionate touch, and just touch. To me, passionate touch should be kept within the bonds of marriage so there is no need to be discussing that here. Romantic touch is surely something I haven't had in a very long time: something between two people with romantic interests. There are certain kinds of touch that you would do in that situation that you wouldn't with just a friend. For example, I probably wouldn't stroke the cheek of a girlfriend. I might hold a girlfriend's hand, but the intent would be different. That would be more affectionate touch. Herein lies hugs, an arm around the shoulder, etc. And then there is just touch. A backrub, wrestling, a touch on the arm to get attention, etc. Sometimes those acts have the intent of affection behind them and they are usually done with people we are affectionate with, but sometimes they do not necessarily have the intent of affection behind them.

The reason I was thinking about it is because I think that as humans we crave touch. We crave all the different kinds of touch, really. I wonder if that is why sexual relations outside marriage has unfortunately become so acceptable, because homophobia keeps us from getting the other kinds of touch that our body really craves. When you consider someone with autism, they often also have sensory integration dysfunction. With these kinds of individuals, they really respond positively to deep pressure. It integrates them. And I wonder if there is something related with all human beings. We might not have a disorder that affects us so deeply, but I wonder if in some way that touch does the same kind of thing for us as it does for them.

Anyway. Just a thought.

Emily Wiggins, NMT, MT-BC

Okay, that's just funny that my last post was about passing my boards. I didn't get on to blog about this specifically, but thought it would be entertaining. Attended the NMT (Neurologic Music Therapy) training this weekend in Fort Collins Colorado, which allows me to now use the designation NMT for 3 years. It was a really excellent training, of which I will probably write about later, but my purpose in getting on to post today was different, so I'll just say that for now.

Emily Wiggins, MT-BC

On Monday I took my board certification exam for music therapists - and I passed! Let me tell you, prior to that I wasn't really worried at all. But the night before I couldn't sleep for the life of me due to anxiety, and I have never been more anxious DURING an exam in my life. Even at BYU. And I can say unequivocably that the BYU testing center is the testing center from hell. Seriously. Horrible, horrible testing conditions. Five years of lines just to get into this huge, HUGE hall of hundreds of students taking exams with people constantly coming in and out of the room, and absolute silence except for the shuffling of papers, the scraping of pencils against exams, and hands rubbing sweat off of foreheads with the occasional muffled groan or whimper from a student, or myself. The room was thick with anxiety, so even if you didn't have anxiety of your own, you could feel the energy of anxiety exuding from the air. I HATED exams at BYU. And I've always been completely terrible at multiple choice exams, which most of them were, if you were taking it at the testing center of BYU.

Sidetracked - but just to demonstrate that Mondays' was a million times worse. The night before, even though I couldn't sleep, I was at least able to listen to appropriate music that calmed me down so I wasn't bouncing off the walls. So, I'm sitting there, taking a certification exam for music therapists, knowing full well that I was very, very anxious and knowing full well that music would have helped calm me down, except ironically - not allowed. Taking a music therapy exam and I couldn't even use music on myself. Yeesh. A couple of days prior to the exam, I had taken a practice self-assessment - and had gotten 88% of the questions right; I wasn't worried at all. However, I kept coming across questions that I could narrow it down to two. There were very few questions where I was "SURE" and most of them were, well, "I think" or even "I'm pretty sure." But the more of those I got and the less "SURE" ones I got as time went on, the more nervous I got. It was all I could do not to tear out my hair. I could not hold still; I feel sorry for the poor woman in the room taking an exam with me. I must have just oozed anxiety out of my body and made the room all tense.

Anyway, it turned out I passed - thank goodness; don't think I could have gone through it again. And of course, I was really happy (and really, really, really tired). And I've been exuberant all week long. And it finally occurred to me, that I wasn't just happy for 'passing an exam' - but this is the culminating thing to all I've been working toward for years. I FINALLY have a career. Heehee. That still sounds silly to me. I always expected to be an at home mother. I started my education for the sake of education, not for a career.

Now, it's totally changed, of course. I still want to be a mother, but now is apparently not the time. But I am so very happy with my life right now, with the things that I have accomplished, and to have the opportunity to use music every day and to be a part of so many people's lives. Awesome. Can't begin to describe - especially when today I'm feeling rambly and inarticulate.

But I didn't want to put off any further the announcement that I passed my board exam, so I am now Emily Wiggins, MT-BC (music therapist-board certified).

Oh, and I finally replaced my frame for my diploma earlier this week and hung it up on Thursday. Actually, Adam hung it up on Thursday for me, during our party celebrating my passing. Yay.

Circles of Logic

waking up in the morning
before feeling fully rested
unable to return to soft spaces of slumber
as the brain clicks on
moving forward and backward and forward again

the clock ticks on

pondering life's dichotomies
twisting around in circles of logic
forgetting origins of thought born
misguided attempts to discover answers
to questions no longer defined

the clock ticks on

thoughts of import float by barely within grasp
escaping the definitive boundary of knowledge
hopes of time standing still
to reach blissful moments of solidity
shattered to pieces as

the clock ticks on

circles of logic interrupted by thoughts
stealing moments of everyday activities
endeavors to permeate subconscious efforts to define
elusive comprehension runs farther away
as mind returns to the light of dawn

the clock ticks on

circles of logic release the mind
with a little sadness and longing
knowing it will return again
reaching a little closer to answers clear
to questions that will be defined

whoah...

I just realized today is August 9. In 2001 on August 9 I received my mission call to serve in the Maryland, Baltimore mission. That was seven years ago! My gosh. Crazy. Time flies. And I feel a bit old.

Life is awesome!

Every once in a while in life I get overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude. The last couple of days have been full of those feelings.

And then I have moments like today when I want to pull my hair out because I just do not know what to do with this client. But that's another subject.

I'm just realizing that my life is really great right now. I mean, I have a good job where I actually make enough money to survive and am able to actually buy gifts for my friends and family when I feel like it and am able to make a dent into my debt. I have the most awesome career that is completely fulfilling (barring moments like the pull out my hair from today, but really, that is part of the fulfillment is figuring out the puzzles and overcoming barriers of difficulty...). I mean, seriously - my career is awesome. I have sessions when I just get to stinkin' play music with adorably cute kids, what the heck? And I have sessions when I walk away thinking, "That wisdom was in me??? I really helped that guy." It certainly helps your self esteem when your client tells you that you are really great at what you do and he is feeling better each week. And I have sessions where I just think back to all the progress that client has made in the last umpteen sessions and it just amazing to watch them grow. And at the end of the week, although I can just be exhausted from so many sessions, I think about how many different kinds of clients I have, and how different each of my sessions are. And it's awesome to see that shape up into what it is. And..how many other careers allow you to constantly be learning about all different kinds of people and tastes and musical styles. Never thought I'd have a cd of metal music, but hey, when you have clients who like that and listen to nothing but it and you are trying to write a metal song together, you kinda have to know what metal sounds like....And to top it all off, I actually feel like I'm good at what I do. I admit, I can flat out tell you when I'm completely out of my element. Like the aforementioned client that makes me want to pull my hair out. I can't do it all...imagine that. Oh...and, lately I feel like the quality of my voice is actually a little better. Weird. Guess singing all the time (and around other good musicians) will do that to you.

I also have a bazillion, seriously a bazillion, good, GOOD friends. You know, the first time I had just a really good friend, I thought, man I'm blessed to have such an awesome best friend. And then they just kept coming. Looked back into a journal entry a couple of years ago where I was like, man I'm lucky I have like 4 close, close friends. Now, I'm just...man I can't even count, because my friends are just awesome. I just said "man" uncharacteristically about five times in three sentences, oh joy. But it is true, I have a lot of good friends. You know that point where you move from being "friends" and spending time with someone to a person to a deeper level where you really see the person and feel like they see you, and you can truly tell your friend you love them, and nothing in the world could make you happier than to do whatever it takes to make them happy. I love that point and recently came to that point with a friend of mine, which helps me realize how blessed I am to have that kind of relationship with SO many people. And now I have that with someone locally. I've done nothing this week pretty much except work, sleep, and hang out with Serriah. And I love it.

Our bishopric of our ward issued a challenge to read the Book of Mormon again in a set amount of time. We began on Pioneer Day (July 24) and will finish by the next session of General Conference (October 3). It works out to be about 9 pages a day, approximately 20-30 minutes of reading/studying. We each received a fresh copy and we are marking it in two colors, red for passages about the Savior and the atonment, and blue for whatever has personal meaning to us in our lives at this time. Upon completion, we give that copy of the Book of Mormon to someone special to us who does not have one. I'm very excited about it, although it is a difficult thing to do. But the reason why I bring it up in the midst of all I am saying is that it also is blessing my life. As I'm putting forth a little more effort into studying the scriptures, it strengthens me spiritually, and I feel like I have energy even when I am not sleeping much.

I'm still single and would really like to know why guys don't go for me, but hey. Life is just generally pretty darn awesome.

Bittersweet Celebrations...

Monday, July 14 8:30 A.M.
Tyler and Eric and I arrive at Disneyland, having taken the shuttle from our hotel. All of us are very excited as I haven't been since I was little and Tyler and Eric have never been at all. We eventually figure out the confusing lines and venture into Disneyland, not exactly sure where we are going to go. After exploring a little on Main Street, and driving on the Auto-Rama or whatever it was called, we venture our way toward Space Mountain, the only ride we are all sure we want to go on. On the way, we enter into Innovations, not really having any idea what it was. It is actually a futuristic museum of sorts, featuring upscale technologies. Tyler was very interested; Eric was anxious to get on his way. On the 2nd floor, we all kinda separate on our ways, exploring the different things, as you do in museums. After about 30 minutes of this, I seek out my brothers. I find Tyler, not Eric. After about another 30 minutes of thoroughly exploring the entire Innovations building, we determined that Eric was no longer in the building. I feel a mixture of irritation that he caused us to lose time looking for him, incredulence that he would be stupid enough to leave us at Disneyland, and worry that something had or would happen. (To be fair, he was only "stupid enough" to leave because he thought we left him first - but I'm just telling you how I felt!)

2:00 PM
After about four hours of Tyler and I trying to forget it and enjoy ourselves - all the while battling emotions of worry that he was not having fun or that something happened with increasing anger that he hadn't figured out how to freakin' call me on my cell phone and after several trips back and forth to "City Hall" where parents find their "lost children" although Eric didn't technically qualify at age 15...Eric finally calls us, apparently having borrowed some stranger's cell phone. He never did ask a security guard what to do, who would have directed him to City Hall where he would have found our twenty thousand messages (okay, one) message for him. When we finally connected with each other, Eric said that he thought we'd left at Innovations (I will never understand his lack of reasoning to LOOK in the rest of the building before making this conclusion), basically decided to just enjoy himself on his own, and announced he'd done everything he had wanted to do and he was done with Disneyland. Tyler and I just about punched him for this. Although we had gone on a couple of rides, we'd also spent a lot of time worrying and going back and forth to City Hall and waiting in line to talk to Security. We'd even gone back to Innovations at one point to make sure that we didn't miss him somewhere and he wasn't still there looking for us. So I basically told him that he just had to toughen it up, because we were going to stay for some time yet; Tyler wanted to watch the fireworks at 9:30. Previous to that point, I wasn't sure we were going to stay that long because we had a four hour drive back to Vegas and I had to work the next morning, but I think at that moment I decided to stay for it partly just to spite Eric. We ended up really having a good time for the duration of the day, although we were all exhausted (and they were quite sunburnt) by the time we finally left. Space Mountain is by far my favorite ride, although the Indiana Jones ride came a close 2nd - mostly because we ended up in the front row of our car and after a 45 minute wait it seemed all the better.

Tuesday, July 15 2:45 AM
We finally pull into my apartment complex after a four hour drive home. Tyler and Eric had conked out within minutes of leaving our hotel and I do not know how I stayed awake to drive the unfamiliar drive home. I've never been so reliant on the lines of the road - they were my focal point to keep my eyes open. That and a Disney CD I listened to and sang along with about 12 times. We throw all the stuff in the living room and I crash on my bed, trying to ignore the fact that I have to get up in four hours.

5:30 PM
After a somewhat long day at work that I struggled to remain alert for, I come home, determined to eat dinner and go to bed early. I routinely get my mail before walking into my apartment, and discover a cardboard white envelope from Marylhurst University. I yell in excitement to my sister I am on the phone with that I got my diploma and as I walk toward my apartment, receive congratulations from neighbors who overheard my not so quiet musings of celebration. By the time I get to my apartment (couple buildings from the mailbox) I'm awake and decide we're going to celebrate. After a dinner out with my brothers and my friend Serriah, we go to Wal-Mart for the sole purpose of obtaining a frame suitable for my newly acquired Diploma officially signifying the first College Graduate of my family. :) Even though it's Wal-Mart and I went there for the low prices, I get the 2nd most expensive document frame because it's cool, and hey, it's my diploma - and it is a frame that has two glass panels that the document floats in between, thereby creating a "matting" of glass.

8:30 PM
We arrive home and although I'm just about ready to crash and go to sleep, I decide to frame my diploma first. I sit on the floor, carefully undo the frame and set aside the first glass panel on the bunched up blanket next to me so that I might put my diploma in the frame. I get up to get some tape to secure the diploma to the glass, carefully step around the glass to get to my closet, miraculously quickly find my tape in my very messy "junk shelf" and head back to my frame.

CRUNCH.

After a few seconds of sleepy unawareness of what had just transpired, I look down at my foot which has just effectively turned the one glass panel sitting on the blanket (that just moments before I had remembered to step around) into dozens of pieces, throw my tape across the room and say something to the effect of "What the heck did I do that for? I'm so stupid!" My brothers seem frozen in time, looking at me with concern in their stances, although silent as they know not what to say, and remain in that position until I clean up my mess and state simply, "I'm going to bed."

After crying on the phone about what I had just done (I was very tired) to my friend Heather, I return my friend Brian's call and relate the story to him as well. He appropriately gasped in all the right places and made me feel infinitely better by asking, "Was your diploma under the glass you stepped on??!?" Suddenly breaking a glass frame did not seem so symbolically stupid as if I had ruined my diploma 3 hours after receiving it, and I feel better.

Saturday, July 19 10:30 AM
Now it is several days later, and although I have caught up on sleep (although still feeling quite tired this week) and even went to the store yesterday to buy myself a Graduation present (not on purpose, I went to go buy Season 10 of Friends because my brothers have been watching the series and the library is taking too long to get it to me and they leave in a couple of days --- but I ended up buying the whole series because I have been wanting to anyways. 10 minutes later I felt a twinge of regret for spending that money that I don't really have, but appeased my regret by deciding it's my graduation present to myself, although technically I bought myself a graduation present (to see Stomp) when I walked at graduation last year. Still. I'm official now.)

Anyway, I still have not bought a replacement frame to frame my diploma. Wonder if I'm scared to do so. :) Of course, I just didn't think about it while I was at Target last night. Oh well. I'm an official college graduate in Music Therapy, even if my apartment wall doesn't signify as much yet. Yay for me.