The Lord is mindful of me

I missed general conference (LDS church) this year because I was at a music therapy conference, so now that the addresses have been printed in the Ensign, I've been reading the talks. This morning as I was reading, I felt an ever growing feeling that the Lord is mindful of me, and that despite all that I have done or not done over time...He loves me and I can still find what I need.

I'm reminded of a talk that was given at my stake's conference a few weeks ago, someone in the stake presidency was talking of the concept of disuse atrophy. If a child has an eye patch, even for a short period of time, that eye quickly loses its ability to see, and if that eye is not given the opportunity to be used, it will go permanently blind. So also is our faith. If we do not use and exercise our faith, we will lose it to disuse.

A particular passage in Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's talk, entitled "Concern for the One" - really stuck out to me in its articulated beauty.

"The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole."

How is it that we so easily fall into simply existing? Going through life simply going through the motions, and forgetting to maximize things, enjoy things, DO things. How is it that we can so easily let go of what we KNOW will bring us joy, enjoyment or happiness?

Take faith in God, for example. The thing about faith is that it is hope, belief - without knowledge. But the important thing about faith is action. If we believe in something and do not act on those beliefs, then that belief eventually fades. It happens to everyone - at some point, we will stop acting on beliefs on some level because other things in life distracts us. The guilt we then feel in not following through with our beliefs either drive us to action - repentance, and beginning to do again what we know we should. Or we try to erase that guilt by simply changing our beliefs and we delude ourselves into thinking there are other ways to find that kind of peace and happiness. I've seen it in others - and eventually, they simply stop believing and come to the conclusion that God doesn't exist.

When a friend that we have trusted breaks that trust for some reason, we naturally hold back in the future, we protect our interests and do not hold as strong a trust with that friend. Likewise - God cannot help us feel His spirit if we do not allow ourselves to feel. Naturally, that spirit is no longer offered to us if we do not accept it. So when we stop feeling, stop believing in God, it is not because God doesn't exist, but because we denied ourselves the opportunity and the blessings of feeling His existence.

It boggles my mind to see those who stop believing in God. To have watched this process in them and to slowly watch their faith fade. But it is so easy. So easy to let go. How easy it is to have our scriptures on the side of our bed, unread, waiting for another Sunday to be taken to church. How easy to go to church on Sunday with our minds completely elsewhere. How easy it is to miss church for other "valuable" reasons. How easy to rely on ourselves to find happiness.

So what right do I have to judge those formerly faithful, now agnostic, loved ones for letting go of what is good and true when here I sit...simply existing and going through the motions.

It is difficult as a music therapist to hold on to the things I know to be true. Knowing the power that music has, and the peace, happiness and change it can inspire in so many individuals. And ethically as a therapist, needing to work within other value systems and honor people for who they are, whatever they believe. I'm finding it difficult to hold onto my own. To rely on God and to recognize that music, as powerful as it is, is NOT my saving grace. Life without God is nothing. It is just existing. Life with God is progressing and moving forward.

Usually, I do not admit when I'm simply existing. It happens often, that lovely cycle of pride when we rely on our own arm, fail miserably, and turn back to God to find peace and happiness. I feel empty, not even feeling the strength of God at church as much, knowing that it is because I've let myself get so far from Him. I'm saying it aloud to kick myself in the butt, to move myself forward. To allow God really back in my life.

Studying music therapy and counseling, it is completely engrained in us that it is not about us - but about our clients. So where do I go? What happens to me when I spend at least 1/3 of my waking hours holding the space for others and thinking of ways to help them? I come home at the end of the day and spend endless hours sucking even more energy out of myself watching endless and pointless television shows and movies, playing games and reading loads upon loads of fiction. While none of these things in and of themselves are bad at all, the time spent because I have no energy for anything else....just sucks my energy out worse.

So I must force myself out of this cycle of energy sucking activity and move forward into productivity - being with loved ones, being physically active, being creatively expressive, and above all....being one with God.

I do not like them, Sam the Mouse

I do not like bugs in my house
I do not like them Sam the mouse
I do not like them on my leg
It doesn't matter how you beg
I do not like them on my floor
Dead on their back behind my door
I do not like them Sam the mouse
I do not like bugs in my house

Ewwwwwwwwww

I am so creeped out. Let me say that again, I am SOOOOOO creeped out!!!!

I finally went to bed after the bug hallucinating fiasco, and probably put it off a little more than I would have so by the time I actually went to sleep it was out of my head entirely and my dreams were nothing at all to do with the bug.

Then this morning I wake up and go to the bathroom, I turn on my light and there, sitting at the door of my bathroom are count them TWO bugs on their backs, apparently dead. One is a little smaller black looking little desert beetle, and the other is the one I saw last night - don't ask me what it is - it's a brownish oval shape of a beetle (I guess? I don't know my bugs) - that is about 1 and a half inches. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

The smaller one is a little smashed looking, like someone stepped on it (ewww, ewww, eww, ewwwwww.....) - wouldn't I have felt that on my barefeet?? EWWWWW, just the thought! I would have thought with the sizes that they were like, one bug and it was shedding it's bigger skin but they both had little nasty legs sticking up.....

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

I. Don't. Like. Bugs.

Maybe they should diagnose me with "Hallucinating Bug Disease"

Alright, seriously beginning to wonder about myself...

I'm sitting there on my living room floor, in the dark, with my laptop on my lap playing a game, and I see out of the corner of my nearly blind left eye this big nasty bug going up my leg, so I shriek, throw my laptop on the ground and get up to turn the light and I'm shouting at the big nasty bug to come back so I can get rid of it.

And so for the next five minutes, okay maybe ten, I am left to wonder if I'm hallucinating, or if a big nasty bug is hiding in my apartment. I turned on every light in the apartment and I sat on top of my couch just looking around.

My sister came to the conclusion that there was someting in my eye like an eyelash or something, and since I was hiking in the desert today and saw a bunch of bugs that my mind automatically went there.

The justification doesn't help much - I'm still going to have ugly dreams tonight feeling unsettled.....

Harmonious Sensations of Innocence

For some reason, the other day, I thought of the smell of fresh mown grass and missed that smell from Oregon. As soon as I thought about that, a cacophony of smells and other senses that I miss about Oregon came to my head...the smell of new rain (although, admittedly - "new" rain doesn't happen often), the sound of the ocean waves with children playing in the background, a field covered with daisies and sitting around making necklaces from them, sitting under the shade of a tree reading a book on a rare hot sunny day, the thrill of looking outside and seeing a blue sky which causes you to automatically want to drop whatever you are doing and enjoy it because who knows how long that will last, the simple sight of a real (non-palm variety) tree, driving down the windy part of Terwilliger road in the fall, crunching dry autumn leaves under your feet (although again, admittedly - "dry" leaves don't exist that often)...

These are all things I do not get in Las Vegas. Sure, the sky is blue - but it's ALWAYS blue, so you never get that same thrill of excitement, I sometimes get the feeling of dread of having to endure hot weather in the summer! In fact, when it looks like it is going to rain here, that is when I get the thrill - because it's something different and out of the norm. And there is no darn place to just go and sit on grass and read a book in the park - at least anywhere close by that I have found.

So I was sitting at the piano that same night dinking around, and I started messing with this thought into a song that is very much in progress still, and its' title (which is the coolest part of the whole song) is "Harmonious Sensations of Innocence."

the smell of the fresh mown grass or new rain on the dry cement ground
the taste of the salt in the air or the waves crashing around
the daisies all over the grass little girls making wreaths for the boys in their class with the tetherball foursquare and hopscotch and jumprope and laughter and running and swinging and sand in their toes

And that is all I have so far, and then my session with some older adults yesterday we ended up talking about some different sensations from their childhood that they remember - and I thought - how cool - I mean, what beautiful poetry, just the smells and sights and feelings of our childhood. There were people who talked about coming home to fresh baked cookies every day, the feeling of being chased around by a favorite Palomino, sitting under a tree by an upstate New York stream, and my favorite: the fresh smell of sheets being hung out to dry and the feeling of having those dry sheets for the first time on your bed and how when sheets go through the dryer you don't get that same feeling or smell.

What kinds of smells and sensations are the children of today remembering? The video game controls? The sound of media constantly bombarding our ears?

Of course, another informal session I had yesterday, it was a variety of ages of children, and we're sitting on the grass (fake, mind you) - drumming away, and you could hear the sounds of other children playing basketball, or playing catch with their visiting parents, and lots and lots of running around. So I guess they are still getting that part, too, most children.

And I'm totally going off in different directions now....

ah well, it's a blog, I'm allowed to ramble.