I miss Jay

I cannot describe how much I miss Jay. I haven't posted in a while, but Jay Reed, a good friend of mine, passed away a few weeks ago. There are things going on my life right now, feelings that I am having, thoughts that I need to sort out - and he is the one I would go to with something like this. He is the one who listens to me - truly listens to me until I have said everything I want to say, he doesn't judge me for whatever ill might be in my thoughts. He allows me to vent, to cry, to completely avoid the subject with biting sarcasm (usually aimed at him, what a trooper), to whatever I need.

And he always seemed to be there. He was a constant in my life. Weeks could pass without talking, and if I called him or chatted with him on yahoo, I could still just up and vent about whatever was happening. With some of our friendships, if too long has passed between conversations, than we feel the need to "catch up" to give an overview of what has happened before we go into the here and now - and not so with Jay, he was just there to talk to and he was a completely loyal friend.

I'm completely rambling right now and I'm completely aware of that. I have tried so much to just sit down and try and put my thoughts into coherent sentences and it just is not working. I have tried writing to specific people, and although that has helped in some ways - I still feel like I'm bursting with things that I need, want to say. Unfortunately - it's Jay that I want to say them to.

I miss him terribly. I miss the realness of who he was and of our friendship. I have tried sitting down and writing a song - but the thing about it - our friendship wasn't all beauty and roses, and HE was not all beauty and roses. There were things about him that bothered me, there were things, obviously, that kept me from marrying him a few years ago - there were things that kept me from starting things up again, even though the thought has certainly crossed my mind over the last couple of years. And it feels somehow wrong to even say that - when really, how stupid is that? Sure, he's gone and we're not supposed to "speak ill of the dead" and all that - but he was who he was and I loved who he was; who he really was.

Now that I've posted this ramble, it probably will not be the first. For those that read my blog, yay, hear a ramble. Otherwise - to quote You've Got Mail: "Good night, dear void." (although technically, it's the morning and I'm off to work.....)