three times a bridesmaid, or maid of honor, no wait, six, no....never a bride?

You know that saying, "Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride"? Well, it better not be true because I've been in a wedding party six times now - three times as a bridesmaid and three times as a maid of honor. Which is wonderful, really, I'm very honored that so many value me that closely. And trust me, I am getting to know real well what I do and do not want at my own wedding when that happens. I'm not even going to say if...I'm going to say when that wedding happens.

My friend Diana got married today, to Harry McLean. So Diana is now Diana McLean, not Stefanita. And let me tell you - it was difficult for me to get used to the idea that Diana was going to get married, although of course I've been incredibly happy for her.

So, of all the wedding parties I've been in, this was the first time that the groom had me hold the ring throughout the ceremony and then hand it to the bride when it was time. And as we were going through the ceremony, especially with what the Bishop was saying, I really came to understand a little of the significance of the tradition. It wasn't just "holding" the ring as a "job." The Bishop was talking about marriage and how important it is to give our blessings to the marriage now that it has taken place, regardless of what our feelings were before of the union that was to happen. He was telling Diana's friends that our relationship with Diana now extends to Harry, and Harry's friends that their relationship with Harry now extends to Diana. As it was a small wedding and I was the only one able to attend to support Diana, the Bishop actually spoke directly to me when he was speaking of incorporating Harry into my relationship with Diana. Regardless of how many people could have been there it would have been just as true, but him saying my name I suppose made it sink in a little more for me. And as I was sitting there, with Harry's wedding ring on my thumb, hearing Harry give a little whoop for joy at him now being a part of my life, I realized how significant it was that I was holding Harry's ring for Diana for her to give to him. I felt, as I was holding the ring, that I had a little part of Harry with me. And I was giving my blessing to the union by giving it to her to give to him.

For myself, I really needed that transitory object to process the reality of this wedding for me. Although I've known for a while that they were going to get married - it never really worked in my head until I was able to come this weekend and see them together and to truly be a part of both of their lives. So now, I can say to Harry and Diana, and to the world, that I support their marriage and will do everything I can to bless the marriage, and support both of them in their endeavors to be with each other for the rest of their lives.

Congratulations Harry and Diana McLean. I love you.

Morning Surprise

You know you are stressed out when you wake up in the morning and for that blissful moment just when you wake up you feel at peace...

...and then two seconds later when you realize what day it is and what your life is right now and your body completely tenses up and you groan and whimper and nearly cry.

Someone else want my life right now?

I miss Jay

I cannot describe how much I miss Jay. I haven't posted in a while, but Jay Reed, a good friend of mine, passed away a few weeks ago. There are things going on my life right now, feelings that I am having, thoughts that I need to sort out - and he is the one I would go to with something like this. He is the one who listens to me - truly listens to me until I have said everything I want to say, he doesn't judge me for whatever ill might be in my thoughts. He allows me to vent, to cry, to completely avoid the subject with biting sarcasm (usually aimed at him, what a trooper), to whatever I need.

And he always seemed to be there. He was a constant in my life. Weeks could pass without talking, and if I called him or chatted with him on yahoo, I could still just up and vent about whatever was happening. With some of our friendships, if too long has passed between conversations, than we feel the need to "catch up" to give an overview of what has happened before we go into the here and now - and not so with Jay, he was just there to talk to and he was a completely loyal friend.

I'm completely rambling right now and I'm completely aware of that. I have tried so much to just sit down and try and put my thoughts into coherent sentences and it just is not working. I have tried writing to specific people, and although that has helped in some ways - I still feel like I'm bursting with things that I need, want to say. Unfortunately - it's Jay that I want to say them to.

I miss him terribly. I miss the realness of who he was and of our friendship. I have tried sitting down and writing a song - but the thing about it - our friendship wasn't all beauty and roses, and HE was not all beauty and roses. There were things about him that bothered me, there were things, obviously, that kept me from marrying him a few years ago - there were things that kept me from starting things up again, even though the thought has certainly crossed my mind over the last couple of years. And it feels somehow wrong to even say that - when really, how stupid is that? Sure, he's gone and we're not supposed to "speak ill of the dead" and all that - but he was who he was and I loved who he was; who he really was.

Now that I've posted this ramble, it probably will not be the first. For those that read my blog, yay, hear a ramble. Otherwise - to quote You've Got Mail: "Good night, dear void." (although technically, it's the morning and I'm off to work.....)